GREAT IN THE WATER
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After 75 lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel, and was hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No," she said, "I was a prostitute in Memphis but I worked both sides of the Mississippi."

RING
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."

AUDITOR
Q: What's an auditor?
A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

MAGIC SHOW
During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?" "I could tell you, sir," the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you." After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then, just tell my wife!"

SINGLES BARS
Q: How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
A: At the circus, the clowns don't talk.

LOL!!

Thanks for the laughs

ok funny

funny funny

ahahaha good stuff dont make me pull out my funny shiznite!

good one

really funny

hahaha nice

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

JUST TOO CUTE.

This is the cleanest joke
I've come across in a long while!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband talking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.


Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,

2 were on the phone.

LOL....That was funny

HERE'S ONE FROM ME.



WHY DID AMERICANS STOP PRINTING STAMPS WITH PHOTO OF PAMELA ANDERSON?

BECAUSE PEOPLE STARTED LICKING THE WRONG SIDE OF IT FOR PASTING THEM ON THE ENVELOPES.

A Tap on the Driver

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him
something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a
bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate
glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,
"Please, dont ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't
realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
To which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at
all.

Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a funeral car
for the last 25 years."

Four Catholic Ladies...


Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."

This third Catholic crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2" hard-bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh, my God...'."

ahaha funny

cool funny stuffs

Another one...

One woman was so dissatisfied of men that she decided to give it one last try before becoming a nun, she posted an ad saying - if you can satisfy me I'm yours...

After a day or two she hears the door bell rings, when she opened the door she saw a man with no hands and no legs sitting on a wheelchair.
Yes?!?!

I came for the ad.
[Amazed] you don't have hands, how do you think you can satisfy me?

Well, how do you think i rang the bell?

funny

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the


hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.


MAN: Hello

WOMAN: Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?

MAN: Yes

WOMAN: I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?

MAN: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.

WOMAN: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: How much?

WOMAN: $90,000

MAN: OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.


WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000.


MAN: Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a pretty good deal.

WOMAN: OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!

MAN: Bye! I love you, too.

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: Anyone know who this phone belongs to?

Here is a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.
Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed!

This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now . . . you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement come over the PA system, “Attention standby passengers we now have a seat available on flight number . . . ”

Great, eh???

Baby Photographer

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

wow

what a reply

i like tht

One rainy spring night in the Toon, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

“Where to?� he stammered. “Walker Road� answered the woman.

“OK,� he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what the hell are you looking at?�

“Well Pet,� replied the driver, “I noticed that you’re completely naked, and I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.�

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, “Does THIS answer your question?�

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, “Got owt smaller?�






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muhahahahaaa,,lol'd sooo hard! retard blonde!

Really Funny

good jokes... hahaha

NIICE...

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father

Good one.Thanks

LOL xD hahaha

very funny postings., thk u ppl..))

The first one and the one about the 3 male flies and 2 females ones were very well made! They really made my laugh, haha.

Please keep them coming guys! I'll grab my newsletter tomorrow and post some jokes myself as well

LOL

Thanks to you, all.

You raised up my feels.

Now that's funny! Thanks for the jokes!

The DC Quake!!


BREAKING NEWS: President Obama has just confirmed that the DC earthquake occurred on a rare and obscure fault-line, apparently known as "Bush's Fault." Obama also announced that the Secret Service and Maxine Waters will continue an investigation of the quake's suspicious ties to the Tea Party. Conservatives have proven that it was caused by the founding fathers rolling over in their graves.




Ahahahaha!

Ha hahaha very funny
Enjoying

hahahaha great jokes :D

These are all really great. I especially liked the one about airport security, that would solve a lot of problems.

Hah thats funny! lol

great share

Very nice! Thanks for good mood!

Q: What’s the definition of embarrassment?
A: Running into a brick wall with an erection and breaking your nose first.

Hahahahaha it's good

LOL Hahaha epic..

Can any one give me a few jokes i can use to become a class clown?
I am a desperate person because REALLY want to be a class clown at my school.

LOOL funny

was very funny many thanks

good one

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.

When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream."

"Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it."

"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."

He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.

She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"