Since there is a funny image thread, here is my contribution to the jokes thread.


Laughter, the best medicine

Have your dosage here..... Be addicted...

Condoms and Cigarettes

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having
a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of
the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end,
puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mable: A condom, this way my cigarette doesn't get
wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local
drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she
wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her
kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of
age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom
she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.




Two Corkers

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,
"Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says, "Amy! What seems to be the rush?

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the Act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, "Oh boy! Horsie ride! Daddy can I ride on your back?"

Daddy was relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, he agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"





=====================================================================

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive.

'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.

Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee,he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.

'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'

What happened?' asks the doctor.

'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!

'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'Was the sex not good?'

'Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years... but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!'

LOL lovin them... little jonny one was disgustin tho

I knew a rugby player once... he never scored but he always tried


I got into a fight with a b&q worker...he came over and asked if i wanted decking

Mother and daughter were walking in the park when they come accross two dogs humping.

"Oh look" said the mother "there making cakes"

"yes i know" exclaimed the daughter " you and daddy were making cakes yesterday! I licked the icing off the sofa!"

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.

The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.

"Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you."

"Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready."

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

"Who the hell are you?!" the man asks.

"I'm from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."

The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!"

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise, and says... "Those little *******s!"

:lol:




========================

A woman went to her shrink because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?" "Well, yes, I actually did once." "And how did your husband look?" "Angry, very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at us!"
=================


================================================================


Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother
and says, Mom, what are those things on your
chest?
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his
dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter
would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The
following morning he asked his father the same
question. His father, always quick with the
answers, says, Why Johnny, those are balloons.
When your mommy dies, we can blow them up
and shell float to heaven.

Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more
questions. A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes
home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out
of the house crying hysterically, Daddy! Daddy!
Mommy’s dying!

His father says, Calm down, son! Why do you
think Mommy’s dying?

Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and
she’s screaming, Oh God, I’m coming!

This a little story about eternity :

A criminal just now die by gunfight with police.

When he will enter eternity spandrel, he are under arrest by eternity police.
So he see to around really a lot of member of gang of harley which under arrest also and in interrogation.

Then through somebody of have black jacket and with long hair ride motorbike harley.
All police seen fear and give open road to that people.

See that criminal confuse and protest, he said :"Hey Mr. Policeman, why under arrest us
while that scamp admittance ?"

With the half whisper that police say : "Are you dont know, who newly through ? That is Jesus Christ".

The difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’.

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Come back and tell me what you learn from that. So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I love Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a gay."

nice calxenia

Super, lol, all the jokes on this thread are really good. Nice work people, keep it going

The older the better

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm, and who hangs on Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all impressed. At the very first chance they corner Bob and ask him, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

"Girlfriend?" Bob replies smiling. "She's my wife!"

His friends are blown away by this announcement, but continue to pester Bob with questions. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age," replies Bob.

"What? Did you tell you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No. I told her I was 90."

im think you are the girl calxenia

That was sick


That man is a fool.


I am glad that I am not little johnny's father.

A small boy wrote to Santa Clause:

"Please send me a brother", the little boy requested very earnestly.

Santa wrote back:

"Send me your mother..."

Rodney the farmer buys and pays for a donkey at the pub while having a drink
with friends. He agrees to go and pick up the donkey the next in his truck.

The farmer arrives the next day and said, "Sorry, son, but the donkey died."

Rodney replied, "Well then, give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I've spent it already", said the farmer.

Rodney: "OK then, at least give me the donkey."

The farmer: "What are you going to do with the donkey ?"

"I'll raffle him off", said Rodney.

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey", said the farmer.

"Just watch me", said Rodney. "I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met Rodney and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey ?"

Rodney said, "I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a $900 profit."

"Didn't anyone complain ?", asked the farmer.

Rodney replied, "Only the bloke who won - so I gave him his $2 back."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

Lol...

Nice thread..

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

4. Avoid a quick back swing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

8. Don't stand directly in front of others.

9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.

10. Don't take extra strokes.

Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!

(From a sign posted at a local golf course restroom)

Two blond women go into the woods in search of the perfect Christmas tree.
After about 6 hours one turns to the other and replys
" Im cold and hungry' Why don't we just chop down any tree
and tell our husbands we lost the decorations on the way home."


A blond was driving to the mall for the first time.
When she came to an intersection with a STOP sign.
About 8 hours pass and her husband sets out looking for her.
There she was still waiting. He goes over and asks if she had a
nice time at the mall. She looks at him with anger and says
I haven't gotten to the mall yet that dam* sign never changed to go.