Smile!

apparently there is 'new 2 % program on the horizon, and within a day all kind of talks are being posted in the thread! Gosh! everybody needs a break, here is a classic!

No1
A man was so jealous of his newly born baby that he put poison on the wife's nipples while she was asleep.
The next day, their driver died of poisoning.
**************************************

No2
A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of AIDS.
His son asked Dad why?
He answered, so that when I am dead, no one will sleep with your mum.
****************...**********************

No3
A lady lost three panties in her house and blamed her maid in front of the husband.
Maid said sir you are my witness you know I never wear panties.
************************************


No4
Couple is having a quickie and their 6 year old catches them,
Son: "What are you doing?" Ask the son.
Father: "I’m putting petrol on your Mom."
Son: "Haauu - Haauu! Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr Zwane has put in yesterday."
Mother fainted!
**************************************

No5
A man went to the pub with his wife.
When he left for the counter to buy drinks a prostitute approached his wife & whispered:
"You must DEMAND cash before sex, I know him he doesn't pay.
**************************************

No6 - Classic
An 8 year old boy is accused of rape*.
In court his lady lawyer holds his dick out as evidence saying, "Your honour see this, can he rape* with this tiny tot?
The boy whispers, "Don't shake it, we'll lose the case!"
**************************************

Now that you've smiled, don't be stingy with the smiles, share them With friends

Best Divorce Letter!

Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

——Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

A Tribute To A Beautiful Person!

Wishing every members' Mother a wonderful Day! (late, nonetheless)

I Am A Mother* ****

A Long Time ago, the Officer At The Driving License Counter had asked me :**
**

" What is Your Occupation ? "

I was a bit Puzzled.****

So The Officer Said****

" Ma'am, Are You Employed,****

Have you Your Own Business or........

I enthusistically replied :****

" Oh, Yes !!****

I Have A Full Time Occupation.****

I Am A Mother "

Officer : " We Don't Have ' Mother ' As An Option For Occupation.****

I Will Write it Down As ' Housewife '.****

That Takes Care Of All Questions."****

*And I was blessed with a Licence !!*

This Had Happened Long Ago,****

And Was almost Forgotten.****

Years Later, When I Went To Get my License RENEWED ,The Public
Relations Officer Was A Somewhat Pompous and Curt Woman.

" Your Occupation ? "****

She asked in a rather Authoritative Tone.****

I was tempted to mention the word "House-wife", and in fact, almost did ,
But
I just had an impromptu Inspiration and replied :****

*" **I Am A Researcher and a Practicioner in the field Of Child
Development, Nutrition, Inter-Personal Relationships*

*and Adult & Senior Citizen Management.** "*

*The Lady Officer Stared At Me in Amazement*. ****

I Calmly Repeated My Statement And She Wrote it Down Verbatim.****

Then, Unable To Conceal Her Curiosity, ****

She Politely Asked ****

" What Exactly Do You Do in Your Profession, Ma'am ? "

I Was Feeling Good About Having Described My Occupation So Calmly And
Confidently. ****

So I Replied ****

" My Research Projects Have Been Going On For A Number Of Years ****

( *Mothers Never Retire !! ).* ****

My Research is Conducted in The Laboratory As Well As in The Field. ****

I Have Two Bosses. ****

*(One is God and the other is my entire family)*. ****

I Have Received Two Honors in This Field. ****

*(A son and a daughter)*****

My Topic is Considered To Be The Most Difficult Part Of Sociology.****

*( All Moms will Agree!! )*. ****

I Have To Work More Than 14 Hours Every Day. ****

Sometimes Even 24 Hours Are Not Enough And The Challenges Are Tougher Than
Many Other Professions. ****

My Compensation is in Terms Of Mental Satisfaction Rather Than Money "

I Could See That The Officer Was Thoroughly impressed. ****

After Completing The License Renewal Formalities, ****

She even came to the Door to see Me off !!

This New Viewpoint About My Occupation Made Me Feel Much Better On My Way
Back Home. ****

I Was Welcomed By My 5 Year Old Research Assistant At The Door. ****

My New Project *(My 6 Month old Baby)* Was Energetically Practicing Her '
Music '.

I Had Earned A Small Victory Over The Governmental Red Tape Today. ****

I Was No Longer ' Merely A Mother ', ****

instead I Was Now A Highly Placed ****

Functionary in A Service Vital For Mankind -Motherhood !!

*' Mother '* - Isn't it A Great Title. ****

Fit To Be Added To The Nameplate On The Door !! ****

By This Standard, Grandmothers Deserve To Be Called Senior Research
Officers, And Great Grandmothers Qualify As ' Research Directors '. ****

Aunts And Other Ladies Of That Age Group Can Be Called ' Research
Facilitators '

Please Share This With All Ladies, Mothers, Grandmothers, Great Grandmothers, ****


They Will All Shower You With Blessings And Life Will Be Happier.

*All Men, Please Note: Ladies need to be adored for they go through a lot
more than Men in all circumstances.*

Beer Belly - Belly Dancer

Power of Beer
A man goes into a bar and drinks beer.
After every glass of beer he pulls a picture out of his pocket and looks at it.
After the 4th beer the waiter asks him why after every glass of
beer he pulls the picture out and looks at it.
Then the man says: It's a picture of my wife.
When she looks good to me I'm going home.
That is an example of the "The Power of Beer"

Click Here / copy & paste in your browser!

http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive...les_622180a.swf

Then push the beer glass to the right.

How many drinks before you see the difference!

Brilliant One Liners!

1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.

2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..

7. Born free, taxed to death.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.

21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers

24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

25. Someday is not a day of the week

26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.

28. The road to success..... Is always under construction.

29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or in love with someone else.