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ellmer's Blog
Entries on 30-August 05

entry Aug 30 2005, 08:43 AM
I wasn't going to reply to Eddie's blog.I knew I had hurt him enough.He will never forgive me.Which leaves me devastated.

Then. I read on another blog, some comments about me.One of these comments came from someone who was once a friend.She had told me she had no female friends and now I understand why.I took this person on trust.I was her friend,I was non-judgemental and supportive towards her Now she is judging me..She seems to forget what she told me about her life.I have never breathed a word to anyone of anything she has told me.Not even Eddie and I tell him most things.I never betray a confidence and I am not going to start.

One thing that did irk me though was the innuendo about my sex life.Let me state here and now.I haven't got a sex life.Make of that what you will.

When I read Eddie's blog, my heart started beating like a drum I just wanted to break down and cry.What was suppose to be a private pm was published for all the world to see.I was besides myself with grief.For both of us.I realised then how much I had hurt him.He said I had pm'd him 8 times.I can't remember.All I know is the other pm's were loving, kind and supportive.The last pm I have no excuse for.When I said good luck with the funeral I meant it and when I said be happy I meant that too.We had fallen out 4/5 days earlier over something that is not important now.We went from 40+ emails a day to about 4.Each trying to persuade the other one they were wrong.We were both furious with each other.This is not an excuse it is the background to the pm I sent.How trivial that seems now.I feel such remorse and sorrow,words cannot express them.

Eddie the fact you have published my pm, is not my punishment.

The fact that my selfish, jealous, possessive nature is exposed is not my punishment.

The fact that you called me trash,fake and other things is not my punishment

You, I love beyond reason or logic.You have always known that.No matter what we have said to each other.And you know we have both said some extremely nasty things...We have always forgiven each other.There is nothing you could do, that I would not forgive you.

But this time I have gone beyond that.I know you will not forgive me.I love you with all my heart.I don't care who knows it.I can't change how I feel,and I don't feel guilty about loving you.I feel guilty for hurting you and it is inexcusable.

My punishment is that you will never speak to me again.Nothing could hurt me more.

I may have hurt you with words.

But.I have never betrayed you and my heart hasn't either.

My deepest sorrow and shame is that I hurt you.

Entries on 2-July 05

entry Jul 2 2005, 01:47 PM
Today all over the world there are concerts going on.The purpose is to eradicate poverty in Africa.This continent has a child die every 3 seconds.Is that acceptable to you?It certainly isn't to me.We had Live Aid 20 years ago.It didn't succeed in it's aims.It did make progress..Does that mean we give up.No Way.It is our duty, as ciitizens of the world to help our neighbours.We are all connected to each other.We have got to help people that can't help themselves.Governments come and go.But people are people.We all have the same aims and goals.We are just lucky, we were born in the west.We have got to help those who can't help themselves.One day there will be equality in this world.It's down to us to ensure that happens.Everyone will benefit from it.Especially if AIDS is eradicated.It is rampant in Africa.Education will eventually get rid of it..Do your bit, vote for the eradication of poverty.Go to


You have 'til 6th July '05.When this petition will be presented to the G8 summit in Edinburgh.

Entries on 18-June 05

entry Jun 18 2005, 02:37 PM
As is usual with me this has nothing to do with business.I am a people person and most of the people I like, visit these blogs.SurprisinglyI find, I have a lot in common with a lot of these people.It surprises me because usually,I think these people are more self-confident,more successful and more self-reliant than I am.These blogs are a wonderful way to find our strengths and weaknesses.I read things people put and think ''bloody hell that is just like me''.As a small select group I think we are all getting to know each other better.We are also trusting each other more.Exposing your weaknesses makes you vunerable.It can also strengthen you.If the right people support you..I have discovered that no-one here is totally self-confident.Every single person has exposed a vunerability..I am happy with that, because it makes us who we are.All the women here will know what I mean.It's alright putting the face on for the world to see.But friends have to see YOU.Not one of us is perfect.To me, it is the imperfections that attracts me..I couldn't possibly live up to perfection,who can?Plus .I have said time and again''.Perfection is just so bloody boring.''Which fetches us back to the real world.If you can still make friends,have people admire you and like you.Do you really need to be perfect?Have you got the self-confidence to reveal your weaknesses?Can you admit you are not perfect?My hand is straight up tongue.gif Had to be, everybody knows I am not perfect harhar.gif There are a lot of people here I admire.I don't think they are perfect human beings.But I can accept their imperfections as they accept mine.What is self-confidence?Putting the face on no-one can get by.Or, revealing the vunerabilities and still expect to be accepted?You could also be so much up your own censored2.gif that it doesn't really matter harhar.gif My best guess is revealing your weaknesses.People who admit to weakness in one way or another.usually are strong in other areas.What do you think?

Entries on 10-June 05

entry Jun 10 2005, 02:36 PM
This is a real puzzler to me.I have had 2 relationships that I considered platonic.They were completely different to each other.The first one was with Robert.We had known each other since we were 9 years old.I lived in England and he lived in Scotland but I went'' home ''every holiday.We didn't see a lot of each other at that time.One summer, friends took us to Aberdour in Fife, for a long week-end.That week-end has been one of my happiest childhood memories.There was nothing to do except crazy golf.We had to make our own entertainment and we enjoyed every minute.Several years later I moved back to Edinburgh(I have met many Americans, it is pronounced EDIN BUR_RA) to live with my Aunt.I was never happy in England and always wanted to go home.Robert lived 10 doors down from Aunty Rosie.To cut a long story short he had a girlfriend and I didn't have a boyfriend,I worked for Avis at Edinburgh airport.I loved it,never knew what I would be doing from one day to the next.All the girls were wined and dined on expense accounts.We were the first point of contact for many a lonely business man.(That's another story in it's self)I was out every night and always got back late.Usually about 1/2 am..3 out of 5 nights Robert would be walking towards me.We would stand and chat for hours, once 'til 5am.We always invaded each others personal space, but never touched each other.We would grin at each other like Cheshire cats and talk non stop.We really, really liked each other but never made a move.Still don't understand that 'til this day.Yes, he was tall, dark and handsome too.SIGH.

The second one was Bill Someone I worked with.I was still working for Avis but this time in Sheffield,Yorkshire.It was boring,nothing like Edinburgh..But, by this time, I was also married.My husband was the most jealous,possessive person I have ever met.Strangely enough he accepted Bill.There was nothing to be jealous of.Bill went shopping with me.we had lunch together.We did everything together.Great mates.He was also married with 2 children.Our friendship continued for over a year.One day I said something that offended him.I then realised he wasn't just my friend,he had another agenda ,completely different to mine.

Both these examples were/are true reflections of platonic relationships.Ultimately neither were.So I have answered my own question.Aren't blogs great?

Entries on 31-May 05

entry May 31 2005, 12:38 PM
Some of us think an abusive relationship is, where there is violence involved.I don't think that is true.There are many ways to abuse a person.There is verbal abuse for one.If you are sensitive and can't defend yourself, someone's tongue can make your life miserable.Undermining someones self esteem with words is abuse.There is the subtle kind of abuse,a look,a shake of the head telling you, you are doing it wrong,undermines your confidence.That is abuse.There are people who will build you up, just to knock you back down again.Our press are famous for this.You only need to look at Diana for proof.She was another prime example of an abusive relationship.This is a good one,lack of self-confidence and lack of approval plus a lot of jealousy thrown in.She was a 19 yr old virgin ,called upon to provide the heir and spare.She needed help and support,she was only a young girl for goodness sake.She wanted her husband to love her,you would think that was a given.Charlie boy had been brought up a different way.Don't show emotion for goodness sake.Keep a stiff upper lip boy.So when the needy and the aloof where thrown together,FIREWORKS.She needed love and approval,he couldn't give it.He was already jealous of her popularity.There was no way he was going to give her what she needed.She had enough already.There was no way he could or would give her his love and approval.Remember she loved him,he didn't love her.That's abuse..The power struggle where the stronger one always makes the weaker one beg or plead ,that's abuse.Neglecting someone, because you can't be arsed to give them some attention ,that is abuse.Blackmail ,the Granddaddy.If you do things my way and don't demand too much attention from me.I just might,. do what you want,only now and again,take or leave it.That is abuse.There must be hundreds of other ways,withholding sexual favours etc.I know I have been guilty of some of them.I have also been a victim of some of them.Some people say you can only be a victim if you allow yourself to be one.Might be true,I don't have the answer.What I do know is, people should become much more aware of their actions and of the effect on others.GOODNIGHT and GOD BLESS.

Entries on 29-May 05

entry May 29 2005, 01:29 PM
I had a great idea for WTF 's blog '' NUK''.I thought we could swap reciepes for MEN. or WOMEN.You know choose all the ingredients yourself.I'll start because this is my blog.WTF and NUK take note. harhar.gif

Looks first, but these are the least important.My ideal man is tall with dark hair and well built.I want some-one I can put my arms around without my hands touching.So definitely some meat on the bones.Someone who is secure enough in him-self to indulge me, but mature enough to put the foot down, when I am being a pain in the bum.Some-one who will kiss and cuddle me affectionately,with no other thoughts in his head.Some-one who knows, exactly how to turn me into a raving nympho. tongue.gif Some-one who remembers my birthday,anniversary Valentines Day etc.And buys me the soppiest ,most romantic card in the shop.Some-one who will buy me flowers for NO REASON.Not every Friday night because they were cheap.THIS IS GOING TO BE A LONG LIST biggrin.gif Some-one who realises, I am feeling down and reassures me they are there for me.Some-one who never feels threatened when I talk to other men (they are people too you know)Some-one who makes me laugh for no particular reason.Some-one who will cuddle me with no other thought in his head.(I know it's a double entry.It's important tongue.gif )Some-one who will give me a neck rub when I am tired.Some-one who will give me a full body massage when I'm not tired biggrin.gif Some-one who thinks I am beautiful ,make-up or no.Some-one who thinks, I am the most important person in the room.Some-one who will always keep me close to him,when he is talking to his friends.Some-one who says ''I Love You ''for no particular reason.Some-one who entwines my fingers in his..Some-one who kisses my hand,just because he wants to..Some-one who says forget about cooking, we are going out.Some-one who supports me, even if my ideas are crazy.Some-one who will take me up a mountain ,just to look at the view.Some-one who thinks I am perfect,even if it's only to him.Some-one who realises how my brain works and what I will think his actions mean.Some-one who knows my favourite perfume(Chanel No 5)Some-one that is never scared of me showing him affection,especially in public.Some-one who will never hurt me or make me cry..Some-one I can hug until the day I die.Not as long as I thought,not too demanding really biggrin.gif Might add some more later..This list is not unachievable.That;s good biggrin.gif

Entries on 25-May 05

entry May 25 2005, 02:38 PM
There are some on this forum, who hate each others guts.''Top Dog Syndrome.''It's usually a male thing.Some males on this forum respect and admire each other and are prepared to listen to each others views.Well done lads,very adult.You are the people that can create peace. biggrin.gif Ghandi is one of my heros.I wish I had half the guts he had.Sticking up, for what you believe is right, is bloody hard, when you have the establishment against you.This little man, won the day, because he fought for what he believed in.Kudos to Ghandi.I wish I could have met him.Then there are the male/female relationships here and there are quite a few.Some have a ''real'' relationship where they can talk and touch each other.Some of us are miles or even oceans apart.That doesn't make them any the less ''real''.''Connections'' between people are wonderful.You cross oceans,cultural differences,skin colour and religion on the net.You get to ''KNOW'' the person.That is what is wonderful to me.I can read some-one's mind ,and they live on another continent.There are 650,000,000 people on the 'net,' if you find someone that,thinks like you and has the same values and humour as you.Treasure them.You are not going to find many.So I am writing this blog as a celebration of finding that one.Can't forget the female/female relationship.I am generally not too keen on other women.Most are *****es that wouldn't give you the time of day.But I have got to mention WTF,she is my kind of girl.I love her honesty and humour.She doesn't dress it up.I love her as a person and we haven't even been in contact with each other.Like I said the 'net is wonderful.The person I have written this for knows who he is.Honesty is the key to everything.

Entries on 22-May 05

entry May 22 2005, 01:36 PM
Is, how people think.My brain is pretty straight forward.I speak as I think.I don't say one thing and think another.I can admire someone but see their shortcomings.No-one is perfect.Because I criticise one thing in a person ,doesn't mean I criticise everything.Why do people think they are perfect?NONE of us are.We love each other because of the imperfections.Perfection is impossible to live up to.It makes you unhappy trying to attain it.People beat themselves up trying to be censored2.gif perfect.In my book doing your best.Looking out for your friends and neighbours and being honest is pretty good.Am I settling for second best?I don't think so.Being perfect is BORING.I certainly don't want to be perfect.My quirks, are what make me who I am.I know I have an awful temper.Being a redhead I have a short fuse,but I also know I have a kind and loving heart.I prefer to make people feel good about who they are,not what they could become.After all, if you can't accept people for who they are,what chance have we got.?NONE.Let's give ourselves a break.Hugs and kisses.We all need them. biggrin.gif

Entries on 20-May 05

entry May 20 2005, 11:32 AM
This was sent to me by one of the kindest men I know.No where else seemed suitable so I decided to use my blog.

Beacon Of Light
My friend, you are a beacon of light
You are always shining bright
even in the darkest night.
When I need someone to turn to, you are there
and I know that you always care
and will follow me anywhere.
Like a point of light on the edge of the sea
You are always there for me.
Thank you for being my Beacon of Light!

My friend !!
You wanna unlock the doors of success ?
Here is my advice to you !!
Please ....
Try to end a quarrel.
Seek out a forgotten friend.
Dismiss suspicion, and replace it with trust.
Write a love letter.
Share some treasure.
Give a soft answer.
Encourage youth.
Manifest your loyalty in word and deed.
Keep a promise.
Find the time.
Forgo a grudge.
Forgive an enemy.
Apologize if you were wrong.
Try to understand.
Flout envy.
Examine your demands of others.
Think first of somebody else.
Be kind.
Be gentle.
Laugh a little.
Laugh a little more.
Deserve confidence.
Take up arms against malice.
Express your gratitude.
Welcome a stranger.
Gladden the heart of a child or a senior.
Do a random act of kindness.
Speak your love.
If you use these keys to happiness
you can unlock the doors of success!


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