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Signs You Know You Have ........, Lol
Bits
post Jun 29 2011, 09:45 PM
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30 Signs You Know You Have A Drinking Problem


1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2.You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

4. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

5. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

6. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not

7. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

8. You've fallen and you can't get up.

9. BeerTender! Get me another Bar!

10. When you can focus better with one eye closed.

11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

12. Every woman you see has an exact twin.

13. You fall off the floor...

14. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

15. The glass keeps missing your mouth!

16. Bill Clinton starts to make sense.

17. Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you [also mosquitoes!]

18. At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

19. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.

21. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

22. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women].

23. Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more and more attractive.

24. Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.

25. Roseanne looks good.

26. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

27. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

28.You have a Reserved Parking space at the liquor store.

29. I'm as jober as a sudge.

30. You wake up in Moscow in August and the last thing you remember is the Summer Fest party at the Germany.
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Bits
post Jun 29 2011, 09:49 PM
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Top 10 Signs you have a Crush on your Co-worker


10. You refuse to buy a 3-hole punch so you can ask to borrow theirs every 20 minutes

9. You have a meeting with the IT department after they found the phrase “on the bosses desk” in one of your company e-mails

8. Dry mouth and the sweats cause you to visit the water cooler, coincidently stationed next to your coworker’s desk, 27 times/day

7. You pushed the delivery person down the stairs after they asked for your crush’s signature

6. You installed a grooming station in your cubicle for on-the-spot beautification

5. You strangely find your lunchtime/coffee break habits changing... even though you hate fish and tea you've suddenly developed a love of sashmi and chai lattes, whatever that is

4. You find yourself penciling in hearts around their name on the annual report

3. You’ve recently developed undiagnosed bladder issues that have your doctor baffled... taking you by your coworkers' cubicle 27 times each day

2. Whenever your colleague has to work late on a deadline you find yourself eagerly volunteering for unpaid overtime

1. Your company’s medical exams mistakenly diagnose your constantly thumping heart as abnormally high blood pressure
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Bits
post Jun 29 2011, 09:52 PM
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Top 10 signs, you need a redesign your website

Your website looks like it was design in 1995 and it was.
Your website needs some updates, but the developer (aka your nephew) is now in college and is unavailable.
Your animated gif is getting tired. He looked so hip back in the day, but dancing puppies just don’t articulate your marketing message like they should.
If a battle were to break out, your company’s PowerPoint presentations would kick the crap out of your website’s content. Which it should, since the PowerPoint was updated last month and the website hasn’t been updated in years.
Your website feels like a black hole. You’re not exactly sure how many people come to your website, what they do once there, and when they leave.
Your website feel tiny compared to that of your competition. It looked great back in 2000 when the standard resolution size was 800×600. Today, well, not so much.
You navigation is so poor, you and your website visitors have difficulty finding relevant content.
You have duplicate content and you didn’t even know you had. But Google did and you’ve been hit by Google’s Panda update because of it.
Your website is so slow you can grab a cup of coffee while navigating between pages.
You greet visitors with a talking image of yourself. That may have been ultra cool years ago, but now it is just really annoying. And when the world talks about social, they do not mean talking avatars.
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Bits
post Jun 29 2011, 09:58 PM
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SIGNS YOU'VE GONE TOO LONG WITHOUT SEX...


You start fantasizing about ugly people. Jeffrey from accounting is a dead-ringer for Philip Seymour Hoffman. But you have to admit Philip Seymour Hoffman has had a great career, and he was kind of cool in Almost Famous. He has that rocker scruff going on, and that weird addiction to cough syrup. Jeffrey from accounting probably doesn’t have a thing for cough syrup. That’s hot. Also, he has really nice, big hands. You bet Jeffrey would be great in bed with the lights turned off. Oh god, did he just check you checking him out? Oh… screw it. It’s on, Jeffrey. Bring the cough syrup and let’s get it on.

You stare longingly at bananas. Bananas are full of potassium and you suddenly realize you love potassium. You just want to get so much potassium inside of you, you’re like a vitamin commercial. Also, yellow is your new favorite color. Yeah, all big and yellow and smooth. Wow. Bananas are too delicious to sacrifice to the smoothy gods. You want to eat bananas whole. You want to buy a bunch and select the biggest, brightest banana for a snack. God bananas are delicious.

Just about anything turns you on. Now that you think about it, forget bananas. The dishwasher is hot. You wonder how you could somehow wedge yourself… nah. Actually, the washer/dryer combo would be better. It makes a low rumble as it works. Yeah, you think.

Get those towels clean. The things you could do with those warm towels. You would wrap yourself in those towels and get them so dirty that they’d have to go back in the laundry.

You talk about sex all the time. You can’t stop talking about sex because you’re never having it. You would have it, you tell your coworker, just about anywhere. You would do it in the supply closet if Jeffrey from accounting felt freaky. Your coworker is weirded out by you. Sorry, you say, but you can’t help it. Did you even see that banana in the kitchen?
You actually want to hear the graphic details. What’s the best thing about being single, you ask your especially promiscuous friend, digging for dirt. You’re disappointed when he talks about his personal freedom and wait patiently for him to get to the good stuff. Tales about ball gags and STIs don’t faze you. When you’re in a dry spell this epic, there’s no such thing as TMI.

You have no idea the last time you had sex. Was it last month? Was it two years ago? The weeks and months are bleeding together. You remember, vaguely, some sort of lotion. Or was it lube? No, it was definitely lotion. You remember because it had a weird smell. Oh wait, that’s not right. That was college. Well, okay. You were definitely on your bed. And you definitely enjoyed it.

Your jaw has been clenched for two weeks. You want to blame your job for the tension headaches, but you know it’s been the lack of sex. Your jaw may or may not open. Okay, you know you wear your stress in your upper back, but the wrong body muscles are in spasm. You paid a massage therapist too much funny to work out the knots under your shoulders. The next day, the pain was back. You need a real full-body massage that money cannot (legally) buy.

Your fuse is so short that everything makes you angry. You just yelled at the grocery store cashier because your pitted olives didn’t ring up on sale. But you wouldn’t have BOUGHT the OLIVES if they were FULL PRICE. You would go home and pit them yourself, because olives are stupid for having a pit anyway. Everything is stupid. This whole grocery store is stupid. You’ll just take your bunch of bananas THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

You start to cheer on the dogs humping at the dog park. At least someone’s getting lucky. Way to go, Fido. High fives.
Reading this list hits too close to home. Now you’re horny and ashamed. That’s a terrible combination, unless you’re into that sort of thing. No one is here to judge you. But perhaps it’s time to close down your computer, get off the washing machine and get yourself got.

And enough with the bananas—even Jeffrey from accounting thinks you’re being gross. No wonder you’re not getting laid.
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Bits
post Jun 29 2011, 10:00 PM
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Top 10 Signs to know you are in Love

Difficulty to take the look away - If you are in true love, the possibility for you to take your eyes off him/her is practically impossible. The haze, with which you look at him/her, can sometimes be embarrassing - more so when you are out on a date and your love icon is facing any embarrassing moment. Look properly in the eyes.

Others are just an option - You want to spend bulk of your time with the one you love, feel like tasting love even more. Others around you feel like that they are just an option - you want to spend all your time with just that single person. After all binding two souls together requires enough time and company.

You listen to more Love Songs - The strongest men of all also will find the deepest of meaning in love songs and it makes you musical in every aspect. You try to relate every bit of your life with every word of the song.

Tying the knot - When you are in love marriage seems to be on your mind every moment of the day. Those who never even thought about the idea of marriage, suddenly weave all dreams around his/her beloved, building up a family and spending the entire life with the one you love.

Flaws go unnoticed - If you are experiencing true love, then all the flaws, bad habits of your beloved will go unnoticed by you. You are truly in love if you are cool with all his problems and that shall bring you a step closer to a happy and successful marriage.

Beautiful morning feeling - If you woke up in the morning and kissed your sweetheart, you are then experiencing the highest peak of love. Nothing messes up your love - all goes unnoticed - your messy hair, bad breath everything!

Does not get attracted to others - Those who are in true love, you do not seem to look at others or even if you do, you do not get easily attracted to others. The thought of the one you love seem to cover your mind and soul.

Consider them as priority - True love has no bounds. When you are in love, you seem to think of your love before anything else in life, even before you. Isn't that a good indication that you are in love.

It's more than a kiss - When you are in love and you kiss, it is not a normal one. They will make you feel beautiful, an amazing sensation and you shall feel all numb and go weak on your knees.
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Bits
post Jun 29 2011, 10:14 PM
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10 Signs you have a bad boss

1. someone in your immediate family dies and he doesn't bother to call or email you about it until almost a week passes. in the meantime you have received concerned calls from many other people much more removed from you and your situation than he is.

2. when you return to work your boss does not call or email or drop by to even say hello

3. your boss does not offer to allow you a little extra time off due to stress from recent events....he can't, he hasn't spoken to you in ages.

4. when you do actually see your boss after you have been back at work 10 days and he just waves to you then spends 45 minute socializing with another employee. he doesn't speak to you at all.

5. he literally sneaks up behind you and shouts "HI!" making you jump a mile in the air, then running off before you can ask him anything about work....or before he can show he's a human and ask how you are doing.

6. says to you on Tuesday, "let's go out to lunch this week" and it's Friday at 4:55pm and you, obviously, never went to lunch....not that you actually want to spend your lounch hour with him but the thought would have counted for something had he followed through on it.

7) You find yourself avoiding to speak first to boss in the morning because you would rather wait for him to speak to you so you can gauge what kind of mood he is in.

8 ) a. You never know how he is going to respond to vacation, time off, personal time requests because requests of equal reasonability are met with a range of responses, including "Sure, no problem! Have a great time!" to a shrieking red-faced lecture in the middle of the office about being a team player and giving up family events for the good of the company.
b. You find yourself waiting until he's in a good mood to submit said requests, even though you know that it's sort of an immature and sad way to go about it.

9) You receive flowers at the hospital and know to call his secretary to thank her, because there's no way he realized that you were out of the office, much less having a baby.

10) Tells you that you're expected to work holidays because you're not married. Then when you marry, tells you that you're expected to work holidays because you don't have kids. When you have kids, tells you that you're expected to work holidays because your kids are so young, they won't realize that you're not there!!
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Bits
post Jun 29 2011, 10:55 PM
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Top 10: Signs You're Too Good For Her

No.1 Her Best Asset Is Her Looks
No.2 She Gets Into Trouble With The Law
No.3 She Is Devoid Of Natural Curiosity
No.4 She Has Poor Hygiene
No.5 She's Amazed By What You Take For Granted
No.6 She Can't Pay For Anything
No.7 You're Always Encouraging Her
No.8 None Of Your Friends Like Her
No.9 She ****s Like A Porn Star
No.10 You're Always Dumbing Down Conversations Around Her
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Bits
post Jun 29 2011, 11:01 PM
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10 Signs Of A Bad Driver

You drive with your knee, freeing both hands for other activities such as eating or texting.
While waiting at a stop sign you roll into the person in front of you.
Frequently tailgating other drivers is a sign of a bad driver.
You switch lanes without a blinker.
You speed up at a yellow light rather then slow down.
When you are at a four-way intersection you always assume your first and cut others off.
Other drivers honk at you, flip you off or occasionally swear at you.
You’ve been involved in more than one accident and were found at fault within the past 2 years.
You consider the speed limits to be a minimum.
Your insurance company drops you as a customer.


& another one


The Top 10 Signs You May Be a Bad Driver

10> You have a reserved parking space with your name on it -- at traffic court.
9> You spend an inordinate amount of time scraping hair and bone out of your front grille.
8> You get more unwanted tickets than friends and family of the Detroit Tigers.
7> After less than 10 minutes in your car, Saddam and his sons change their minds and now "feel like walking to Jordan."
6> Your family already has a roadside cross ready to mark the inevitable spot.
5> Earl Scheib just named his new 160-foot yacht after you.
4> You see more middle fingers than a manicurist.
3> The highway patrol cops in your state have memorized your date of birth, social security number, home address, license plate number and how many points you have left before your 39th trip to traffic school, which is named after you.
2> The other day, you ran right into the garage door -- and it was *up* at the time.
1> Every time your cell phone rings while you're putting on makeup, you spill your tea, drop your Game Boy and rear-end the car in front of you on the freeway.
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zoezeth
post Jun 29 2011, 11:18 PM
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Almost went bananas reading all the signs bt all I cold remember is bananas...


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Bits
post Jul 11 2011, 03:31 AM
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QUOTE (zoezeth @ Jun 30 2011, 08:18 AM) *
Almost went bananas reading all the signs bt all I cold remember is bananas...

rotflmao.gif
harhar.gif

Hope, get some fun....
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zoezeth
post Jul 11 2011, 06:43 AM
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QUOTE (Bits @ Jul 11 2011, 07:31 PM) *
rotflmao.gif
harhar.gif

Hope, get some fun....


After getting the "before marriage " joke, I've decided I don't like bananas , yes the yellow bananas. If I go bananas because of lack of bananas then so be it.

going bananas,
zoe


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kobamod
post Jul 20 2011, 09:04 AM
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QUOTE (Bits @ Jun 29 2011, 10:55 PM) *
Top 10: Signs You're Too Good For Her

No.1 Her Best Asset Is Her Looks
No.2 She Gets Into Trouble With The Law
No.3 She Is Devoid Of Natural Curiosity
No.4 She Has Poor Hygiene
No.5 She's Amazed By What You Take For Granted
No.6 She Can't Pay For Anything
No.7 You're Always Encouraging Her
No.8 None Of Your Friends Like Her
No.9 She ****s Like A Porn Star
No.10 You're Always Dumbing Down Conversations Around Her


hehe, this one made me chuckle a bit. Not bad advice either wink.gif
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Bits
post Aug 20 2011, 02:45 AM
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QUOTE (Avalanchee @ Aug 19 2011, 11:55 PM) *
Thanks for the stuff

With pleasure.
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Bits
post Aug 28 2011, 11:00 PM
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QUOTE (Linda999 @ Aug 29 2011, 08:16 AM) *
Hey, even some nice girls are porn star worthy! I would think that awesome skills in bed is a good thing, not a reason for a guy to dump her! Though I agree with everything else. Looks aren't everything and the rest just shows sumb girl behavior.


Hi Linda. Thanks for correction. Actually, I agree with You.
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